Winner August '02

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Other Winners & How to Win!

Dream Cast for Your Movie

Posted by: AGRIBAYLAM

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Okay. This is my fantasy and I'll dream what I wanna.

Even though I'm a fantastic new director (nkotb, prodigy, spielberg vs. fincher - that sort of thing), I thought my newest project (entitled - "Acclaimed/Masterpiece/Sex") would be a casting nightmare. As you know, a good cast can make or break the campaign of a film from the get go, far beyond healing powers of a great, PR friendly title - not that mine has anything to do with subliminal marketing. Really.

So, I was, therefore, lucky that my first two films, "Cheeky Pant Smacking" and "A Day in the Life of Heffner" set up a precedent that had the eyes of many a great thespian looking my way in no time. Of course there were the obvious duds, looking for a come-back or reinvention (Cory Haim anyone?) but I soon sorted them from the promising and in no time flat, had "Acclaimed/Masterpiece/Sex" a cast to die for.

This is how it went.

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Brad Pitt called me first. He'd had enough of Fincher. Apparently the honcho's taste for dim lighting had caused Brad many a tumble in the dark, and Jennifer isn't one to swoon at the sight of bruises.

Next was Cate Blanchett - I'd met the intensely beautiful lady at a VIP party last year and commented on her work. Fed up with episodes wearing pointy ears, she had her people call mine and that was it.

Now apparently Edward Norton wasn't in any hurry to call. Waiting around for someone named Coppola to call or something? Well, I don't know what that was about but in the end he came around. Apparently Coppola (whoever HE may be) ended up casting Russel Crowe - yeah, good luck with an Oscar nom there!

Julianne Moore and Jodie Foster both wanted the fourth part in A/M/S (that of a gypsy who dislikes wearing clothing and sings like a bird in the films three major musical sequences). After a long and interesting brawl before me, complete with a lot of hissing and sctratching, Moore just won out and I had to give it to her.

Now, the fifth part was a toss up. It was down to two actors, and I was at a loss for days about who I should take a chance with. There were sleepless nights, hot flushes and many an intense meeting with the producers. One of remaining two had just starred in Not Another Teen Movie - a modern classic. The other had just starred in a horror masterpiece called Jason X. I can't tell you how mind blowing the decision would have been if Robert De Niro hadn't walked on set the day before production began, and asked to join the group. Sadly, I had to let the other two go, but I am sure we'll work together in the future, and you just wait for their names when the Oscars 2005 roll around.

So yes. Not a bad line up, but there's always something in the back of my mind that asks why I didn't go with those two young'uns for the fifth part. Oh well, I guess we'll never know how good the film might've been. We'll just have to do with this cut.

Oh, and I hear some of you wondering the obvious? Where's Julia Roberts, right? Well, let me just say, there may or may not be a lot of sexual activity in the film, and I don't necessarily want my wife endulging in that sort of thing.

So until production begins on my 4th piece "The Swallowing Reflex" - my classiest yet - enjoy!

- AGRIBAYLAM

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