Oscars® 2000

Who really stole them?

???

Rather like the statuette on the official Oscars® 2000 poster the Academy seem to have got themselves trapped in a never-ending circle of mishaps. First there was all the fuss about "censoring" Blame Canada (the Oscar® nominated song from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut), then there was the missing ballot papers and then the awards themselves went missing, presumed stolen. What next? Is someone going to raid all the designer dresses in Hollywood, roll in the red carpet rather than out it, kidnap Billy Crystal and silence Joan Rivers? Okay, the last is far fetched but we can dream, right?

The Usual Suspects

Sounds like a future caper movie in the making to me. Who's the megalomaniac behind the scenes, who's pulling the strings, who's got a grudge against the Academy?

Suspect #1 - step forward Mr Jim Carrey, a funny guy just crying out to be taken seriously - but once again no nomination. So first of all he's going to vote for himself in every category then collect all the awards. Heck, it'd probably make for the most entertaining awards show in decades!

Suspect #2- Mr Billy Crystal, he must be running out of material by now and you can tell he's going to have a field day with this.

Suspect #3 - Mr Kevin Spacey. Well didn't you read all those plays on "The Usual Suspect" when his Oscar® nomination was announced?! The media must have been trying to tell us something (other than the fact they didn't have a unique thought between them).

My Vote Goes To...

You!

Well, personally I think our thief is actually the character Major Chip Hazard from Small Soldiers. After all he's already brought dozens of Gwendy Dolls to life, in true Frankenstein style, and turned them into the fighting machines from girly-talk hell. Heck he even looks like a long lost relative of Oscar® (just look at that flat head and jaw-line).That guy has been hanging around seeing all the Toy Story crowd grabbing the limelight and all the industry kudos and wants his revenge. Revenge in the shape of a platoon of Oscars® out to make March 26th a real night to remember. They'd put on the dance routines, sing the songs and if anyone's speech went on too long... well they could just tie them up and dispose of them in some suitable manner! Suggestions, anyone? ;-)

Update

The fact that most of the AWOL Oscars® turned up beside a trash bin seems to back up this theory. After all Chip would want to get his platoon back on the scene in time for the ceremony. Okay the police say it's unlikely that these guys will be available for the show but I think Chip's just waiting to do a switch! You've been warned.

Well that's my list of suspects, how about yours? Post them in the forum, you never know - you might be the one that cracks the case.

In the meantime, if you're reading this and worrying what to do with a couple of bald gold guys that have recently come in your possession - maybe you're reading this after the show and have actually won one! - and are wondering how to hide them, a few suggestions from me (others welcome, as ever, in the forum).

How To Hide The Bald Gold Guys

Suggestion #1 Add ears to them, dip them in chocolate and tell everyone that they're Easter Bunnies. Just make sure no-one tries to take a bite or their Hollywood smile may never look the same again!

Suggestion #2 Crochet fetching crinoline dress and matching hat outfits and create that old-fashioned favourite - the toilet roll cover. Well lots of stars claim to keep their Oscars® in the loo, don't they?

Suggestion #3 Relive your high school days (you are out of high school, aren't you?) and turn then into table lamps. Everyone will wonder about the mysterious "golden" glow so make sure you use the most hideous lampshades available to stop people looking too closely. There should be lots of old award ceremony dresses just waiting to be recycled, so you shouldn't be short of inspiration. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if some of them came complete with their own inbuilt flashing lights as their previous owners wanted to be sure they appeared continually surrounded by media hacks taking their photos for posterity. Though depending on the outfits that might be taking photos of their posteriors.

Suggestion #4 Just put them back where you "found" them. The way things are going you could easily pick them up again without the Academy even noticing. You might as well make use of that storage space, nobody else is going to go near it now with a 20ft gold barge pole...

- Movie Cat